I find that in this journey of self-discovery I am doing
more things for me. It often feels
quite wrong and selfish, but I am trying to explore myself in ways I never have
before. It has been a very difficult thing to not only face the things I perceive
as wrong with myself and my life, but it also sometimes hard to embrace what is
right for me. What I want, desire, feel
that I need. My goals for myself are
not always necessarily in line with what others think they should be or even in
tune with goals of other important people in my life. Everyone is an individual.
Everyone has to do and know what is best for them. I am still trying to figure that out. I know what I WANT but I often question if
my wants are in line with what I really need.
I don’t care to be, consciously or subconsciously, self destructive in
any way. I want to evolve. Elevate.
Blossom. Flourish. I have no idea how to do that other than to
continue this journey of honestly and self exploration through this blog.
I look back at the young woman I was when I was a college
student. I was wild, a ridiculously
free spirit. I had a ton of grown up
responsibility but with that came immense freedom to do as I damn well
pleased. I didn't have the guidance
and structure most kids my age did.
Now, I didn't go off to college and go on a hedonistic free for
all. I just made my day-to-day
decisions as I wanted and committed myself to things that were of importance to
me. And I smoked a lot of pot LOL
As an adult approaching middle age, I want to get back to
that sense of freedom. I do not desire
a carefree life free of struggle and responsibility, but I desire the autonomy
to be the only person affected by my decisions. Of course I know that is hardly ever the case but it was for me
at one time. There are days I long for
that again. With that complete autonomy
comes lots of fun, but also immeasurable loneliness. And trust me, I have
experienced both. It would be nice to
find a balance.
Balance. That word
keeps haunting me a lot.
I am alive, among the living. I want to start experiencing the gift of my life. I am tired of planning, waiting. My time is now.
