Clarity

I find that in this journey of self-discovery I am doing more things for me.  It often feels quite wrong and selfish, but I am trying to explore myself in ways I never have before. It has been a very difficult thing to not only face the things I perceive as wrong with myself and my life, but it also sometimes hard to embrace what is right for me.  What I want, desire, feel that I need.  My goals for myself are not always necessarily in line with what others think they should be or even in tune with goals of other important people in my life.  Everyone is an individual.  Everyone has to do and know what is best for them.  I am still trying to figure that out.  I know what I WANT but I often question if my wants are in line with what I really need.  I don’t care to be, consciously or subconsciously, self destructive in any way.  I want to evolve.  Elevate.  Blossom.  Flourish.  I have no idea how to do that other than to continue this journey of honestly and self exploration through this blog.

I look back at the young woman I was when I was a college student.  I was wild, a ridiculously free spirit.  I had a ton of grown up responsibility but with that came immense freedom to do as I damn well pleased.   I didn't have the guidance and structure most kids my age did.  Now, I didn't go off to college and go on a hedonistic free for all.  I just made my day-to-day decisions as I wanted and committed myself to things that were of importance to me.  And I smoked a lot of pot LOL 

As an adult approaching middle age, I want to get back to that sense of freedom.  I do not desire a carefree life free of struggle and responsibility, but I desire the autonomy to be the only person affected by my decisions.  Of course I know that is hardly ever the case but it was for me at one time.  There are days I long for that again.  With that complete autonomy comes lots of fun, but also immeasurable loneliness. And trust me, I have experienced both.  It would be nice to find a balance. 

Balance.  That word keeps haunting me a lot. 

I am alive, among the living.  I want to start experiencing the gift of my life.  I am tired of planning, waiting.  My time is now.