Saturday, November 9, 2013

Change

Its been eight months since I last blogged.  A great deal has happened in those eight months and I feel like I am ready to open myself again.

After the stroke, I spent tons of time thinking about my life and the direction I want it to go.  I've lamented long and hard on the life I had lived thus far, coming to the painstaking conclusion that my wants, my desires, and my happiness are mine and only mine to claim.  As much as I wanted to force myself to stay the course I was on, I simply could not.  I wanted to want to keep the status quo of my life and want the same things my husband, Keane wanted.  But I did not. I do not. 

I moved out of our home April 29th.  I filed for divorce September 30th.  I cried uncontrollably from September 30th until October 3rd. I broke down in the attorney's office in front of Keane and I was emotional toast.  I literally didn't stop crying.  I felt as if I never would.  I cried so hard I vomited twice in those four days.  I cried so hard my abdomen and back ached for a week after.  I had realized although I loved Keane and was grieving the end of our life together, I was also permitting myself to grieve every loss I had ever suffered.  The divorce was the emotional straw that broke the camel's back.  I grieved my father, my mother, my heinous relationship with my sister, every pet I'd ever lost, the years I lost not loving myself because I didn't know how, my stroke, and my divorce.  It was a painful and wretched four days.  But I survived it. 

Keane and I still talk regularly and share the responsibility of our four legged "children".  We have always maintained civility, amicability, and general kindness to one another despite any pain we may have caused.  Although I can not speak for him, nor would I try to, I am grateful that I am able to do my part in keeping things copacetic between us during all this.  It doesn't make it easier per se, but it does make it a little less awful.

Living alone again after fourteen years has been an interesting journey in and of itself.  When you are in a marriage you foster and maintain accountability to another person in all things.  For me, that is no more.  And it was a change that felt weird to embrace. I've been alone for six months now.  I am discovering more in my day to day while fostering relationships with others in my life, and most importantly myself. 

I still often wonder if there is a "why" I am here.  What am I to do with the second chapter at life?  I have set goals for myself and intend to live life as an adventure full of experiences, be them euphoric or hellish.  I look forward to the next season in my life and moving away from Harrisburg back to where my friends and family are, surrounding myself with people who love and are connected with me. 

It is important for me to acknowledge that I love Keane.  I respect Keane.  The fifteen years I spent with him helped shape the woman I have become.  The care and generosity of self he has given to me, especially during my recovery, are more than anyone could have ever asked of another person.  And I do have immense sadness, and even guilt, in leaving someone who has given me so much.  Yet my life is a gift to me and I chose to honor that gift by living truly and wholly for myself in the desire of finding peace and happiness.  It may seem selfish and obtuse to someone reading this who does not truly know me, but it is how I feel and the road in which I choose to follow.  Even as I know not where it may take me.

So I have found myself,  yet again, feeling the need to be open.  Which is why I write today.  I want to be an open soul to the world and embrace all the world cares to send me.  I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life and all the change it will bring.