Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thankful

Thanks to a nasty viral infection, I am spending my first Thanksgiving divorced and in my new home, alone.   I am contagious so it is not a good idea to be around anyone or partake in holiday festivities.  I am exhausted from coughing and in general feel like hell.

But I am thankful. 

I haven't blogged in a long time.  The desire to write hasn't escaped me, its just that life seems to never stop throwing me curve balls.   My move back to Pittsburgh earlier this year came with all kinds of excitement and trepidation, but it happened.  Although it scared the shit out of me to move without a job or a home, I did it.  Allowing myself to accept the kindness and generosity of a dear friend, I lived in limbo, in someone else's space, for six months while I secured a new job then found my own home.  Shortly after I purchased my home, I lost my job.  See more curve balls. 

Now I am in my home, working part time during the holidays to get me through until I can land another secure gig.  As the holidays approached, despite my less than ideal employment situation, I was excited to be in Pittsburgh and looking forward to a season full of fun.  Although the season has not begun in an ideal fashion, I know it will get better.  And I will be well soon.

I have seen all these posts online about people doing their annual gratitude lists. Perhaps to remind themselves, and each other, of all the good things in life. 

Since I have lots of time to think and reflect I decided to dust off  the old blog and write.  The past year has been a truly difficult one.  The gratitude I have for making it through without losing my mind is beyond measure.   So on this Thanksgiving eve, (as I type while coughing my head off), I present to you my gratitude list...

#1  Always, always, always My health.  Even though I have a virus and am "sick" today,  I am able bodied and alive.  No matter how shitty I feel physically on any given day for the rest of my life, I will be humbled and grateful for my body and its abilities.   I could never take my health and mobility granted again if I tried. 

#2 My amazing friends.  I turned 40 in May and never did I feel so much love as I did at that time.  My friends gathered for and around me to celebrate my life and birth.  It was one of the most fantastic and moving days I'd ever experienced.  My friends are the family I have chosen, and I have chosen well.  These people are in my life to stay and have never let me down.  They know who they are and they know how much I reciprocate their love. 

#3 My resolve.  I am thankful that I have the will to be strong when needed and am capable of bouncing back from almost anything.  Emotionally, mentally, physically I can be a rock.  I do not say this with conceit, but with the appreciation this resolve was instilled in me at a young age and I have finally learned to own it in a positive and productive way. 

#4 My home.  I am living in a home that is all mine.  This space I occupy is mine alone and I am the queen of my castle.  There is no one to answer to, consider, or obey.  (Well except maybe Linus, my dog LOL).  I have gotten to a point in my life where I can and am fully standing on my own two feet in every way.  I know that I did not make the journey alone to get here, but I have arrived.  Although scary some days, it feels amazing.

#5 Love.  Funny how a recent divorcee is thankful for love.  But I am.  Although love has not always turned out the way I'd believed or hoped, it has taught me much about the world and myself.   Because of love I am able to not give up on it or myself. 

There are many more things one can be grateful for, but as I lay in bed tomorrow sipping tea and hopefully not coughing as much as I am tonight, it will be these five things I think of.   

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

A Last Look

Four years have passed.   I am just about looking down the eye of forty and can't believe how
thirty-five feels like a lifetime ago. How quickly time goes on.

I have spent the last several months being ridiculously reflective.  With all my life changes in 2013, I have had a lot to think about.  I have had a great deal to look back on.  Now is the time for me to turn my head, my thoughts, and my life forward. 

Four years ago today I was dying.  I didn't know it, but I was playing with death. Disguised as an unbelievably debilitating headache, my brain was slowly dying.   I would have been suffering this pain for five days by now.  Only to succumb to the annoyance of being in pain and the desire to return to work, would I seek medical help in another day.  Why I didn't go now, or days before, I have no idea.  Why I went the day I did, not really sure either.  But the decision saved my life.  It was not divine intervention.  It was not a knowledge based decision.  It was luck. Nothing more.

Its funny when I think back to the stroke, really think back, I remember the pain and not much else.  I am so far removed from that ordeal I don't even feel like it happened to me.  Like it was a dream I had or something I heard about from someone else.  But it is not.  It did happen to me.  And although I do not remember it all in great detail, I am living the effects of it every day I breathe.  As each day passes I embrace more and more of myself, finding gratitude and acceptance where my path has led and continues to lead me.

Tomorrow marks fours years since my stroke.  My thirties are over in May.  I begin a new a decade, a new chapter.  Leaving my thirties and all that those years encompassed behind me.  This will be the last year I commemorate my stroke.  I triumph over death every day.  We all do in one way or another.  I do not want to hang on to this experience and have it define me.  Will I reflect on it down the road?  Of course.  Yet it is no longer something I need to recognize as a milestone.  Everyday is a milestone. 

I got a fortune cookie that said, "Remember yesterday, but live for today". An all too appropriate sentiment for me.  Not to mention damn good advice.

So tomorrow I would be four years dead.  I am not dead.  I am very much alive and plan on being around for a long time to come.